ha.
since when did you ever care for my feelings.
huh.
people tell you rumours and you believe.
you even laugh.
did you know i spent the whole of last year being afraid of you
being afraid that i will piss you off
being afraid that i will hurt your feelings
because whenever you cried
everyone was there to comfort you
everyone was there to hug you and cry with you
and then you would get pissed at me
and then everyone would get pissed at me
and for what?
making everyone dao me just for your satisfaction that i was an outcast?
i know you feel some satisfaction that i am an outcast and i will never fit in.
you dont feel like an outcast
everyday people will talk to you
you know you have authority
you can just say the word and the whole world can ignore me.
you ask everyone if i badmouthed you.
why did you doubt my friendship?
was i not loyal enough?
you could get pissed at everyone and everyone will get pissed at that person
whenever you got pissed at me
i was an outcast for a whole week
you know i just had to bite my lip and carry on with my life?
did you know that?
did you know i couldnt say anything lest i anger you?
you laughed when his nick was i love someone else?
and before i found out it wasnt him
you remember at yewtee?
i couldnt face you
i couldnt face anyone
i felt so damn depressed
i just cried nonstop.
did you know that?
you have a guy who loves you and cares for you
you have friends who love and care for you
they clamour for your attention.
i just walk alone.
you think that such a small thing doesnt matter.
but you dont know the feeling of rejection
of shying away from society
you can put up a brave front and show the world that everything is going smoothly for you
that your life is so perfect
seriously.
i envy you.
i respected you.
but what did you do?
you threw my friendship in my face
what do i have?
nothing.
and the rumour that i stead with craigven?
you didnt even bother to confirm it.
you just ignored me for weeks after.
you just got pissed at me like everyone else.
sometimes i got higher marks than you, which is like very rare
you dont even bother to congratulate me
you just run to other people to compare marks
and me wanting to be a model?
you just scoffed at my height.
you hurt my feelings, i just couldnt show it.
you would have accused me of being petty, so i just let it go.
wont you just know it, such a small thing and such a big effect.
that day you wanted to go to scoopz at jp
i wanted to go with you
but at the bustop when i was trying to talk to you
you just kept staring at your handphone and looked pissed
what could i say?
whatever i said you would just ignore.
like always.
or you will say i dont care i am rude or selfish or a bitch.
you will say that i said that i didnt want to go with you to scoopz
but i didnt show reluctance did i?
i said that i didnt want to go in that joking way
and you took it literally.
you dont even tell me what i did wrong.
den you take a different bus
and when i tried to talk to you again you just totally ignored me
you tell me, what was i supposed to do?
follow you and get the silent treatment?
you have so many people you can talk to
to cry to
to complain to
you can gossip about me with other people
but they werent trustworthy anymore
what i told them they would tell you
you would then laugh at me and call me names
i dont have many friends behind my back to support me when i fall
i have no one to confide in when my emotions are all bottled up
i cant cry with anyone.
not even you.
you would just laugh at my weakness behind my back and make fun of me.
you think its funny that people suffer, dont you?
you just find pleasure when you outcast people
you can just go "oh i love you" to anyone
and they will go "i love you" back
you can do that
i cant
that time you were sitting outside the lockers and looking depressed
i wanted so much to go and talk to you
didnt you know that?
i went to the toilet and cried.
but i couldnt give you the satisfaction that i cried.
over you.
over someone im supposed to hate.
maybe im not mature enough for you.
maybe im not smart enough
maybe im just not
normal enough
or pretty or cute or having that special "
qualities" to fit in
maybe i just dont.
maybe im too childish for you.
maybe im too childish for society.
maybe that was meant to be.
meant to be that i was not "fated" to fit.
at all.
oh well.
anyway no use crying over spilt milk.
whats done cant be undone.
